Saturday, September 10, 2011

We went to the Library (and it helped saved my life)

Pretty boring, right?

Not for me. I can't help but look back and see how far I have come. I remember  when Ashley was starting Kinder and I had to walk to the bus stop and back in the snow because I was terrified of even sitting in the driver's seat of any vehicle. I just could not back out of the driveway. My mind and body would just freeze and I could feel my hear beating way faster then it should have. The bus stop is not far by any means, but I was still pissed and ashamed that back then, I couldn't have driven there if I wanted to. The meds weren't working and I hated myself.

Rewind to the time where reality slapped me in the face, and at the perfect time. Out of the mouths of Babes...

"Mom, did you know other moms can drive?"  Oh shit, she knows. She knows her mother is not the same as other mothers. The secret was out and I needed to deal with it. Fast Foward to my little trip to Abilene Psych.  
Oh, but what a waste of time that was. The people I got involved with, the 1000 mg of serequal they put me on and the drinking that followed (yes while on the meds!) I was a fucking mess. My marriage suffered, my friends suffered, I don't know how I didn't end up dead at that time, honestly. I was either going to die from alcohol poisoning or OD-ing on meds.

God had a plan.

He gave me my husband when I had basically spit in his face and left him and the kids, literally. I believe God softened  his heart towards me when he had no reason to fight for me or love me anymore. After going through a scary situation, my husband took me back home. I didn't know what to say, I was so ashamed and defeated.    
We sat on the bed for a little bit and then he took me on his lap and embraced me. he asked me "Are you glad to be home?" I just cried and buried my head into his arms. It was the closest example of Jesus on earth that I have ever had.

Yesterday we went to the library and I drove us there and back. I didn't have anxiety and i didn't have to keep telling the kids to be quiet because I had to concentrate. I am getting better every day and if you ever think your life is over because of depression or anxiety, I encourage you to keep living. It is worth it, I promise.


  1. SO proud of you! To GOD be the glory. What an amazing husband you have, too.

  2. This brought tears to my eyes. Mostly because I was just getting to know you when you started your new life. It really is amazing how far you have come!

  3. I'm so proud of you. What a testimony!

    ' "Are you glad to be home?" I just cried and buried my head into his arms. It was the closest example of Jesus on earth that I have ever had. '

    WOMAN!!! A warning next time!!! :/ *tear*


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