God has a Whistle and He WILL Use It!

Sometimes, when God really pisses me off, I learn he really is giving me a time out. I picture him with a whistle, in a coach's uniform, pulling me from the game. I stomp off the field, while muttering (cursing) and trying to convince him that I am ok and can finish the game on my own. It doesn't matter that I am currently sucking and losing the game while the team goes down with me. Sometimes, it takes a teammate to point out that coach cares about the whole team and not only me.

Before July 9th, 2008

Depression, Anxiety, Loneliness, and Death were knocking at my door. I was a mess. The truth is that I would fantasize about being dead. I had years of fantasizing my own suicide. I was sick of living but too afraid of dying. I was so ill and making horrible choices. The love I had for my family was not enough to get past the evil things in my life. I begged Daniel to find a new wife and mother for our kids because I was terrified that I could not be a good mother. They deserved more and so did my precious kids. I did not want to pass on my sickness to them, I wanted an escape. Lord, I was so sick.

After July 9, 2008

My sins and horrible thoughts cause my daughter to get type 1 diabetes. Oh I was still sick to think that way. Pretty self centered thinking as well, now that I am out of that fog and can see better. So many changes have happened that have been positive. Basically, I got my head out of my ass and it stopped being about me. People won't say it, but depression and anxiety is such a selfish disease. It makes everything about you and what you are feeling or can and can't do. You have to fight it daily, because it will try and kill you.
I have learned so much about being a better wife and a better mother. I still can't keep a home tidy for crap, but we laugh all the time and have way more happiness then sadness.
I learned that I am capable of much more then I ever dreamed possible. I can not only be a mother, but a full time nurse to a hormonal pre-teen. (patting myself on the back.) I can be a wife by supporting my husband and encouraging him when he has crappy days at work. I let him know all the time how much I love him and appreciate him. I've learned to say I am sorry when I know I am in the wrong. I learned to crave peace in my life. I have learned to love my family and not be so uptight about things. I've learned to always make sure my youngest has plenty of hugs because that is what she craves. I've learned that food is super important!! Had we not been struck with a disease in our house, I would still be blase about our food choices. Seeing Ashley's blood sugar improve because of eating good, nutritious foods is so empowering!! Seeing the difference in my mood makes me more pleasant to be around, because I can finally stand to be around myself! Am I totally awesome and perfect? Heck no, I totally appreciate Samuel L Jackson's rendition of "Go the F*ck to Sleep." Thank you, Youtube!
I pulled my kids out of public school, which has been great for our family! I have met lots of new people and I so treasure my friendships now. This disease had left me on my knees and I knew I could not do it on my own. I had to force myself to reach out and ask for help. God was benching my ass so I had to sit next to other people and talk to them. Wow.
I really don't know how to end this blog post but it really doesn't have a proper ending. I'm still on this journey so I will only say: To be Continued...

Home EC (ICK?) in the Hizzy, minus the psych ward this time.

Note: I did not edit this, it was kind of hard to write and I wanted to be done with it. No looking back kind of thing ;)

We have been cooking up a storm! Really, it looks like a freakin tornado in my kitchen after dinnertime. I try and clean as I go, but those that know me, know that I am severely lacking in attention and memory skills. It's ok, I have accepted this and it makes me quirky cute. (Shut up.)

If you do not have The August/September issue of Clean Eating Magazine, you need to get it!! I used so many recipes from this issue that it was well worth the money. It even had a shopping list in it! My husband said, OUT LOUD, that he really didn't miss eating junk food! Get this month's issue, people!

My kids look forward to cooking with me everyday now and it really is a healing for me and ends a cycle for them. I come from a stereotypical looking Italian Family. Exhibit A. Aren't they cute????!!

Do you know how ashamed I felt having a full blooded Italian mother and not know how to cook??? Talk about letting people down! I would ask for Nana's recipes and my mother didn't know them. Nana is not a spring chicken like we want her to be. Where is the TRADITION??? Ugh did we not learn anything from Fiddler on the Roof?

I have literally started a small fire making Ramen Noodles. No Joke! I had a full blown temper tantrum as a newlywed preggo emotional basketcase because I realized I could not boil an egg to make freakin egg salad for my damn craving. It was intense, I assure you. I think Daniel was afraid for his life and his body went into survival mode for the coming famine.

I am making sure that as I learn to cook, my girls learn as well. Not only to cook, but to make healthy foods. Obesity runs in my family. Before you get all offended, I am also classified as obese, so chill. Obesity is defined as having an excessive amount of body fat. I don't want that cycle to continue either!  I really am learning that Homeschooling is so much more then the core subjects! I learned the core subjects and I made a mess out of my life for a long time. I was not independent at all, was on tons of meds and ended up going to a nice place called Abilene Psych. Oh then I made more of a mess with my life. Hooray..good times! Did I mention mental illness runs in my family as well? 


Enough is enough! My life is a mission now to give my girls the tools that they need to live, not just to get by. They may not grow up to be rocket scientists but I will give them skills they need to learn to avoid the mistakes that their family trees threw at them.  If they choose to still make them, so be it, but they don't have to. I love my family dearly, even the nuts. I have gotten past most of my issues growing up where I can sort out good times from the bad and navigate through it to make a path for myself and my kids. It was a hard journey but I am willing to bet I am not the only one who has family cycles that need to be broken. I hope you can take the first steps in doing that and learn that not only the body is self healing but quite possibly, the mind can be too. 

First Day!!!

It was wonderful! No, I did not edit this and lie.....

I really learned and tweaked from last year, that's for sure. The changes began with ME. Oh, it is hard to admit you are screwing up. It is hard to make changes by confronting them.

I love sarcasm. Sarcasm Gets me through things. It allows me to be a screw up and make fun of myself with other people. It allows me to vent about myself and the "lol" at the end of the vent makes it all OK. Pftt. I am so drained from the excuses and cover-ups! I was not at all happy until a couple of months ago. My family is great, don't get me wrong. I love them to death, everyone knows that. I HATED ME. No, DESPISED! How in the hell did I become the overweight smoker that I always made fun of? I remember sending the girls to school and then sleeping until they came home. WHO DOES THAT? I was so depressed. Like scary depressed.

This year, I am stopping the excuses. I woke up before the kids did and got myself dressed. That is a big step for me. I am not lying and not covering up. If I am not going anywhere (I am a huge homebody!) I do not get dressed. I never go anywhere. You put two and two together. Girls, I was sinking, really sinking.  You never know how bad someone is until they admit it. This was DEPRESSION. Oh did I mention dressing and showers go hand in hand? Yeah..still with me? I am doing better now and been forcing myself into this new routine for about a month. Baby steps.

Next, I made the girls breakfast. Choc chip wheat pancakes. I knew it wouldn't spike Ashley. Backtrack...last night I made sure the kitchen was clean so I would be able to make breakfast.

Then, I woke the girls up and they ate while I made myself a Green Smoothie. I am addicted to these. Once you figure out and get past the detox headache, you will be too. Pure energy and my cravings are way down for the naughty foods. I started out at 178 lbs and I am down to 165. Is it just the shakes? No, it is not a damn miracle drink. Cutting down the cravings made it possible to knock out sugar and soda. I have more energy so I cook more. I eat as clean as I can. The kids are following my lead and they are eating better as well.  Who knew?

June 5, 2011 The picture that made me both sad and horrified. The pic that kicked my ass into gear.

August 20,2011  Some progress

August 22 Same Pants, too big now :) Yes, the dates are correct!

While we were eating, we did a Mother/Daughter Devotional. Last year we skipped the whole God part and last year was tough.

We had all of the subjects done by noon. BY NOOOOOOON. Granted, it was the first day and mostly review but BY NOON. We took a nap JUST BECAUSE WE COULD.  :)

Middle School!

Third Grade and Math-U-See

Someone is about to get evicted from Decimal Street

Science

So proud of you, girls!

Might I mention we also cooked today...together....and they ate it...and it was clean? BONUS!
SUPER EXTRA DOUBLE BONUS: DANIEL SAID IT WAS HIS NEW FAVORITE MEAL.
SUPER EXTRA EXTRA DOUBLE BONUS: HE ONLY EVER SAYS THAT ABOUT MY BFF'S MEALS? (secret is out)

She ate it!

Cautious, but she ate it too!

Zucchini (or as mom says Gagoots)  and Lean Sirloin Rollups, topped with homemade Marinara Sauce. Side of Sweet Potato  Fries.  

I would say that I can't wait for tomorrow but I know everyday is different. BUT  THERE  IS   GOING   TO  BE A  TOMORROW. Try and tell that to someone with depression and see if they smile.

I totally did smile.

Went to the Hospital...Looney Bin...Whatever....

UGH still mad!

Ok so we get there, we get a room right away. They check her oxygen levels it keeps saying 82. Try it again 82. She writes down 82. I question the number because I know that is terrible and she says let me try one more time...99. Geez, do your friggin job!!! 

 Very nice lady comes in, wants to do a finger stick. Lauren was prepared for this and we brought one that she was comfortable with. I poked her and their machine said 84. Totally expected a good number because we have only had 3 bad ones. 

The doctor comes in about an hour later. Asks what is going on.  Told him that she has lost 5 lbs in one week, is tired easily and always hungry. Lauren told me the night before she has been drinking "a tiny bit more and peeing a tiny bit more but was afraid to tell me." I told him that her sister (who was there with us!) has Type 1 Diabetes and we were concerned. We also told him we were most concerned about the sudden weight loss and how thin she had become most rapidly. I asked if he thought if not type 1 could it be celiac or thyroid.  He looked at me like I was nuts and said he would not even test for Celiac because it is so rare especially in children and he was positive it was not type 1 because of her finger stick number.  He said it was prob  a UTI because it can make kids lose weight quickly but he would also do an A1c which would take about a week to come in. 

Took urine sample and blood.

Came back after a while and he said he did a very basic panel which was clean and if we wanted more testing done, we would have to go see our doctor to order more tests. We told him we didn't have insurance or a damn doctor previously. He said white blood cell was fine do no cancer which was his main concern (what??) and no UTI. Told us we PROB DON'T KEEP ICE CREAM IN THE HOUSE BECAUSE OF OUR OTHER DAUGHTER HAVING DIABETES but we need to up Lauren's calories because she obviously isn't getting enough. He also said if she loses five more lbs to bring her back in and her doctor can order new tests. (Hello, again no doctor, you jackwagon!)  Five more lbs? Really? Have they not seen how thin she is?  We know he has no damn clue about type 1 due to the ice cream comment and Daniel and I were trying not to choke him. I really felt they would have done more tests if we had insurance. This is our first time without it and we have never been given bare minimum tests or been treated this way. It made me open my eyes to what so many other parents without insurance go through. Super frustrating!!

Nurse comes in with discharge paperwork. 3 Pages of how to deal with an overweight child. WTH???? Makes me think that is given for type 2 kids, not sure though.