Sunday, October 2, 2011

ideas we have

Hello this is Lauren and i want to tell you and then ask a few questions just respond with comments Ok Anyway we all know about ashley's fundraiser right? well me and ashley has a great idea for a bake sale it will be ashley's stand will be selling cake cupcakes cookies stuff like that,my stand will be selling drinks and if anyone is Intrested it will be 1.00 for each drink if we set it up, ashley's i don't know the prices. we REALLY need help with it. now to the question's first one WHO WILL BE WILLING TO WORK WITH US. second WHO WILL WANT TO WORK WITH ME ON DRINKS?third WHO WILL WANT TO WORK WITH ASHLEY ON FOOD? if you have any question's or comment's just ask. thank you!

Pennies For a Puppy

These past few weeks have been tough ones, but they were sprinkled by moments of hope and life.

One of Ashley's friends from camp passed away in her sleep. I wasn't sure if I should tell her or not but I knew she would find out sooner or later. On Facebook, the Type 1 Community changes their profile pictures to blue candles to signify this wretched disease has stolen another life.  This time, the candles were for someone we had personally met and I think this community is still trying to process it.

There were so many connections to this family spread out in this small area and it was just different from the rest even though it shouldn't be. I guess what made it different was trying to separate my family from theirs and other type 1 families that we know. It was too easy to picture us in that situation, when we saw it playing out before our eyes. I could have been in that receiving line at the funeral parlor. Daniel could have been the one trying to be the strong father holding back tears. The only reason I can say these things in my blog is because every type 1 family there, including Sarah's family seemed to know how everyone felt. It could have been anyone.  It is a challenging experience to try and balance your own fears with trying to help in any way that you can without being annoying. It hurts seeing insensitive comments being made on the family's facebook page by well meaning people. I don't know if I should have stepped in or if I was wondering how that comment would have made me personally feel. I regret not saying anything and I apologize.

From Ashley's point of view, she is still afraid of going to sleep but she had that issue before Sarah's death. Camp is pretty blunt about "complications" that can happen. We were offered a Diabetes Alert Dog but this particular dog had not been around other dogs and it bit our dog to the bone several times. He is currently on pain meds and antibiotics while he recovers.  It was also way too big for Ashley (125 lbs) and even though she was a trooper and tried so hard, it was still hard for her to handle.  The poor child was devastated because we know that Diabetes Alert Dogs can be such a blessing and can help Ashley feel safe again.

We have not given up and we are currently working to raise money for her very own alert dog.  It won't be easy but we have two years to raise money. It is a $1000 deposit to receive the dog and the rest can be raised while we have the dog. Obviously, there are no guarantees of stopping a tragic event, but if I can comfort my daughter in any way, I will sure try. I don't know what it is like to be 11 and living with a true fear of bedtime.

I was nervous about people trying to help us with this because I didn't want to exploit what happened to Sarah's family.  I had mentioned we were looking into getting one and people just jumped in to help us. It was touching and amazing. I did message Sarah's mother and she said she didn't mind at all if people wanted to help us. I guess I just felt afraid of hurting their feelings.  That was the last thing I ever wanted to do.

If you can either donate or help us plan fundraisers, we would so appreciate it. Even putting her link out there would be helpful. Everything counts. Thank you.

Often diabetics don't "feel" their low blood sugars and their bodies are slow to react to how their insulin pumps have been programmed. These events can lead to dangerous lows which can result in seizures, coma, and even death. Implanted glucose monitoring systems are often 20 minutes behind an alert dog. These electronic systems measure parts per million. In studies dogs have been shown to scent parts per trillion. Diabetics may sleep right through a monitor's alarm, whereas a trained diabetic alert dog is persistent to the point where s/he will "go get" another member of the household if the diabetic does not respond.


Wednesday, September 14, 2011

God has a Whistle and He WILL Use It!

Sometimes, when God really pisses me off, I learn he really is giving me a time out. I picture him with a whistle, in a coach's uniform, pulling me from the game. I stomp off the field, while muttering (cursing) and trying to convince him that I am ok and can finish the game on my own. It doesn't matter that I am currently sucking and losing the game while the team goes down with me. Sometimes, it takes a teammate to point out that coach cares about the whole team and not only me.

Before July 9th, 2008

Depression, Anxiety, Loneliness, and Death were knocking at my door. I was a mess. The truth is that I would fantasize about being dead. I had years of fantasizing my own suicide. I was sick of living but too afraid of dying. I was so ill and making horrible choices. The love I had for my family was not enough to get past the evil things in my life. I begged Daniel to find a new wife and mother for our kids because I was terrified that I could not be a good mother. They deserved more and so did my precious kids. I did not want to pass on my sickness to them, I wanted an escape. Lord, I was so sick.

After July 9, 2008

My sins and horrible thoughts cause my daughter to get type 1 diabetes. Oh I was still sick to think that way. Pretty self centered thinking as well, now that I am out of that fog and can see better. So many changes have happened that have been positive. Basically, I got my head out of my ass and it stopped being about me. People won't say it, but depression and anxiety is such a selfish disease. It makes everything about you and what you are feeling or can and can't do. You have to fight it daily, because it will try and kill you.
I have learned so much about being a better wife and a better mother. I still can't keep a home tidy for crap, but we laugh all the time and have way more happiness then sadness.
I learned that I am capable of much more then I ever dreamed possible. I can not only be a mother, but a full time nurse to a hormonal pre-teen. (patting myself on the back.) I can be a wife by supporting my husband and encouraging him when he has crappy days at work. I let him know all the time how much I love him and appreciate him. I've learned to say I am sorry when I know I am in the wrong. I learned to crave peace in my life. I have learned to love my family and not be so uptight about things. I've learned to always make sure my youngest has plenty of hugs because that is what she craves. I've learned that food is super important!! Had we not been struck with a disease in our house, I would still be blase about our food choices. Seeing Ashley's blood sugar improve because of eating good, nutritious foods is so empowering!! Seeing the difference in my mood makes me more pleasant to be around, because I can finally stand to be around myself! Am I totally awesome and perfect? Heck no, I totally appreciate Samuel L Jackson's rendition of "Go the F*ck to Sleep." Thank you, Youtube!
I pulled my kids out of public school, which has been great for our family! I have met lots of new people and I so treasure my friendships now. This disease had left me on my knees and I knew I could not do it on my own. I had to force myself to reach out and ask for help. God was benching my ass so I had to sit next to other people and talk to them. Wow.
I really don't know how to end this blog post but it really doesn't have a proper ending. I'm still on this journey so I will only say: To be Continued...

Saturday, September 10, 2011

We went to the Library (and it helped saved my life)

Pretty boring, right?

Not for me. I can't help but look back and see how far I have come. I remember  when Ashley was starting Kinder and I had to walk to the bus stop and back in the snow because I was terrified of even sitting in the driver's seat of any vehicle. I just could not back out of the driveway. My mind and body would just freeze and I could feel my hear beating way faster then it should have. The bus stop is not far by any means, but I was still pissed and ashamed that back then, I couldn't have driven there if I wanted to. The meds weren't working and I hated myself.

Rewind to the time where reality slapped me in the face, and at the perfect time. Out of the mouths of Babes...

"Mom, did you know other moms can drive?"  Oh shit, she knows. She knows her mother is not the same as other mothers. The secret was out and I needed to deal with it. Fast Foward to my little trip to Abilene Psych.  
Oh, but what a waste of time that was. The people I got involved with, the 1000 mg of serequal they put me on and the drinking that followed (yes while on the meds!) I was a fucking mess. My marriage suffered, my friends suffered, I don't know how I didn't end up dead at that time, honestly. I was either going to die from alcohol poisoning or OD-ing on meds.

God had a plan.

He gave me my husband when I had basically spit in his face and left him and the kids, literally. I believe God softened  his heart towards me when he had no reason to fight for me or love me anymore. After going through a scary situation, my husband took me back home. I didn't know what to say, I was so ashamed and defeated.    
We sat on the bed for a little bit and then he took me on his lap and embraced me. he asked me "Are you glad to be home?" I just cried and buried my head into his arms. It was the closest example of Jesus on earth that I have ever had.

Yesterday we went to the library and I drove us there and back. I didn't have anxiety and i didn't have to keep telling the kids to be quiet because I had to concentrate. I am getting better every day and if you ever think your life is over because of depression or anxiety, I encourage you to keep living. It is worth it, I promise.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Guest Blogger (My very first one!!!)

My 8 yr old, Lauren, wanted to blog. Gulp.

I was very nervous to get out of public school, I was gonna miss my friends but I was also excited to meet new people.  Our first day, we learned about Japan and we did lots of crafts. I loved Homeschool and what's fun is we can do lessons at the park, playdates in the day, and we play with other Homeschooler's. I do sewing and my sister does art. Me and Ashley go to Friday school.  It is when other Homeschooler's meet and the moms teach other classes. There is Homeschool track (which I want to do,) Friday school. Now my best Homeschool moment has to be when mom did gym and just was dancing weirdly and my 2d favorite is when mom was making fun of the people on tv like when she yelled THATS NOT RIGHT YOU DING A LING!! lol. we have fun homeschooling.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Home EC (ICK?) in the Hizzy, minus the psych ward this time.

Note: I did not edit this, it was kind of hard to write and I wanted to be done with it. No looking back kind of thing ;)

We have been cooking up a storm! Really, it looks like a freakin tornado in my kitchen after dinnertime. I try and clean as I go, but those that know me, know that I am severely lacking in attention and memory skills. It's ok, I have accepted this and it makes me quirky cute. (Shut up.)

If you do not have The August/September issue of Clean Eating Magazine, you need to get it!! I used so many recipes from this issue that it was well worth the money. It even had a shopping list in it! My husband said, OUT LOUD, that he really didn't miss eating junk food! Get this month's issue, people!

My kids look forward to cooking with me everyday now and it really is a healing for me and ends a cycle for them. I come from a stereotypical looking Italian Family. Exhibit A. Aren't they cute????!!

Do you know how ashamed I felt having a full blooded Italian mother and not know how to cook??? Talk about letting people down! I would ask for Nana's recipes and my mother didn't know them. Nana is not a spring chicken like we want her to be. Where is the TRADITION??? Ugh did we not learn anything from Fiddler on the Roof?

I have literally started a small fire making Ramen Noodles. No Joke! I had a full blown temper tantrum as a newlywed preggo emotional basketcase because I realized I could not boil an egg to make freakin egg salad for my damn craving. It was intense, I assure you. I think Daniel was afraid for his life and his body went into survival mode for the coming famine.

I am making sure that as I learn to cook, my girls learn as well. Not only to cook, but to make healthy foods. Obesity runs in my family. Before you get all offended, I am also classified as obese, so chill. Obesity is defined as having an excessive amount of body fat. I don't want that cycle to continue either!  I really am learning that Homeschooling is so much more then the core subjects! I learned the core subjects and I made a mess out of my life for a long time. I was not independent at all, was on tons of meds and ended up going to a nice place called Abilene Psych. Oh then I made more of a mess with my life. Hooray..good times! Did I mention mental illness runs in my family as well? 

Enough is enough! My life is a mission now to give my girls the tools that they need to live, not just to get by. They may not grow up to be rocket scientists but I will give them skills they need to learn to avoid the mistakes that their family trees threw at them.  If they choose to still make them, so be it, but they don't have to. I love my family dearly, even the nuts. I have gotten past most of my issues growing up where I can sort out good times from the bad and navigate through it to make a path for myself and my kids. It was a hard journey but I am willing to bet I am not the only one who has family cycles that need to be broken. I hope you can take the first steps in doing that and learn that not only the body is self healing but quite possibly, the mind can be too. 

Monday, August 22, 2011

First Day!!!

It was wonderful! No, I did not edit this and lie.....

I really learned and tweaked from last year, that's for sure. The changes began with ME. Oh, it is hard to admit you are screwing up. It is hard to make changes by confronting them.

I love sarcasm. Sarcasm Gets me through things. It allows me to be a screw up and make fun of myself with other people. It allows me to vent about myself and the "lol" at the end of the vent makes it all OK. Pftt. I am so drained from the excuses and cover-ups! I was not at all happy until a couple of months ago. My family is great, don't get me wrong. I love them to death, everyone knows that. I HATED ME. No, DESPISED! How in the hell did I become the overweight smoker that I always made fun of? I remember sending the girls to school and then sleeping until they came home. WHO DOES THAT? I was so depressed. Like scary depressed.

This year, I am stopping the excuses. I woke up before the kids did and got myself dressed. That is a big step for me. I am not lying and not covering up. If I am not going anywhere (I am a huge homebody!) I do not get dressed. I never go anywhere. You put two and two together. Girls, I was sinking, really sinking.  You never know how bad someone is until they admit it. This was DEPRESSION. Oh did I mention dressing and showers go hand in hand? Yeah..still with me? I am doing better now and been forcing myself into this new routine for about a month. Baby steps.

Next, I made the girls breakfast. Choc chip wheat pancakes. I knew it wouldn't spike Ashley. Backtrack...last night I made sure the kitchen was clean so I would be able to make breakfast.

Then, I woke the girls up and they ate while I made myself a Green Smoothie. I am addicted to these. Once you figure out and get past the detox headache, you will be too. Pure energy and my cravings are way down for the naughty foods. I started out at 178 lbs and I am down to 165. Is it just the shakes? No, it is not a damn miracle drink. Cutting down the cravings made it possible to knock out sugar and soda. I have more energy so I cook more. I eat as clean as I can. The kids are following my lead and they are eating better as well.  Who knew?
June 5, 2011 The picture that made me both sad and horrified. The pic that kicked my ass into gear.

August 20,2011  Some progress

August 22 Same Pants, too big now :) Yes, the dates are correct!

While we were eating, we did a Mother/Daughter Devotional. Last year we skipped the whole God part and last year was tough.

We had all of the subjects done by noon. BY NOOOOOOON. Granted, it was the first day and mostly review but BY NOON. We took a nap JUST BECAUSE WE COULD.  :)

Middle School!

Third Grade and Math-U-See

Someone is about to get evicted from Decimal Street


So proud of you, girls!

Might I mention we also cooked today...together....and they ate it...and it was clean? BONUS!

She ate it!

Cautious, but she ate it too!

Zucchini (or as mom says Gagoots)  and Lean Sirloin Rollups, topped with homemade Marinara Sauce. Side of Sweet Potato  Fries.  

I would say that I can't wait for tomorrow but I know everyday is different. BUT  THERE  IS   GOING   TO  BE A  TOMORROW. Try and tell that to someone with depression and see if they smile.

I totally did smile.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

One Week Till Showtime!

Everything is ordered! I am so excited about starting Homeschool this year and that surprises me. I do feel better prepared for this year, so maybe that is why.

I felt like last year was a huge mistake. It was full of struggle and tears, for sure. I didn't feel like I accomplished anything at all. I feel differently now. My kids are behaving better without outside influences, and they get along with each other, despite spats here and there. We have more good days then bad and that makes it all worth it. Our family unit is getting stronger and that makes me so happy. Family is super important to me, my number one priority.  There was a time when I put others before my family and I will forever regret it, but I won't let it define who I am now. Nothing can take the place of Daniel cooking stir-fry while the kids are setting the table and I am cleaning the living room. Working together as a unit makes me just swell with pride. (Ok, this is too mushy so here is where the other side of me steps in and says that I can't use the words "swell" and "unit" without thinking of those stupid male enhancement commercials.)

Speaking of friends, I freaking love my friends so much. I have never met so many people here who are constantly growing and challenge themselves daily. It really is inspiring! I have quit smoking (3 months!!) and started eating much better because of them. I hope you all know how much you mean to me <3

You have quit smoking for:

12 weeks, 4 days, 21 hours and 54 mins.

You have saved:

462.35 Dollars by NOT smoking 1,778 cigarettes!

I have some small projects that I want to finish before starting the school year. I want to clean out the front hall closet, the diabetes supply closet and the linen closet, Ashley lost her transmitter (again) for  her Continuous Glucose Monitor. Is it wicked expensive to replace, yep! Am I pissed? Not really. That kid has a lot on her plate and I don't think she was ready for another piece of equipment, especially for such a bulky one.  I still want to find it though for when she is ready. Oh and I want it cleaned because I am tired of kicking everything back in the closet so I can slam the door really fast to make it stay shut.

Thankfully, Molly came to the rescue in time to save my sanity and hopefully a transmitter.  This month's e-book is all about getting off your butt and organizing your closets.  If you want to check it out, here is the link. I really enjoyed the articles about Upscaling old clothing! I have done a few projects in the past and these articles reminded me to get started on more. I am terrible at getting rid of clothes but this helps me justify keeping them ;)
A feature that I am going to start using in my Homeschool is Tightwad Training Camp. It is a weekly lesson for kids in Frugal Economics. Just a short little lesson, but it packs a punch is training your kids for future purchases and financial choices.
I love my Molly Digests, I just hope to see healthier recipes in future issues. (Molly, please give us healthy recipes!!)

I have one copy of "Molly Saves! In the Closet" (retail $4.95) for one reader. Let me know which closet in your house needs the most work and the saddest story wins. I understand and feel your pain.

Oh, one last thing!!! I won two AWESOME prizes!!! The first one was a complete level of Math-U-See and the second was a Planner and Binder Bundle from Home Educating Publishing. Thank you to The Homeschool Lounge for running these contests! This girl is wicked happy!

Now to use my planner to pencil in a day to clean my closet...

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Year Two!!!!

Omg Omg Omg!!  Here we go!!!  Our first full year of Homeschooling! Last year was about 60 percent de-schooling.  I am trying to act excited and confident by adding lots of exclamation points!!!!! Whoohooo!!!!!

Ok, I am excited but excited in the way of watching an action film and sitting on the edge of the seat wondering how the main character will escape death this time.  Homeschooling is a lot of pressure, man! If your kids are stupid and in public school, you can blame the shitty school system or the economy (lack of funding for textbooks). If your kids are stupid and you homeschool it is because you suck! Ok, that is how others see it, don't lie!

OOOH Disclaimer time...

I don't care about my punctuation or anything in this blog. I am going to make typos or plain ol grammar mistakes, don't judge me. I spend energy improving my children, not myself.

Another Disclaimer: I totally lied...twice. I made the first disclaimer because having a blog while Homeschooling is kinda ballsy. One typo and you are toast. I think they revoke your Homeschooling card or something. Oh and I did improve myself. I quit smoking after 12 years! My best friend did too! So excited and needed to brag....

Today my plans are to stare at the crapload of curriculum that is spread out on my living room floor. I will arrange it into piles that will later make no sense and then rearrange them again to make myself feel a sense of accomplishment. Next I will browse the internet and decide what schedule we will be using. The kids want to school year round so that opens up more options for us. I am not very good with options. I tend to go crazy with too many options. I like being told what to do and when to do it. I like being given rules and structure. Pray for me...

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Molly Saves! In the Nursery

Hello visitors, stalkers and bored people! I have just received a copy of Molly's new ebook and it is all about babies and baby showers. I am not having any more babies (done, thanks!) but I don't mind borrowing (babysitting) an infant to cuddle with (snort their head.)  Ohhhh this made me look up baby cute!!

Even though I am not having anymore babies, my friends still are and I know they would love this digest. I am so jealous of the new baby things that come out every year. WTG baby industry, where were you when I needed your products (baby crap)? I love the new slings the best. I had the front carriers which were hot as hell and I had the one from LLL which was way too complicated and expensive for (ditzy cheap) people like myself. 
In this digest, it teaches you how to make your own super comfy baby slings! I know as a breastfeeding mom,  I would have loved a sling that was easy to use. I think I am getting a tad bitter.

Molly also has a collection of nursery decor tips. I never decorated a nursery for my kids, but I told you, I am cheap (lazy.) My friends are supermoms (self-esteem killers..jk!) though and I am sure they would love some of these ideas. I feel like I need to make a note here.

Note: I had a bad experience come to memory the other day in a facebook conversation. My mom accidentally left me in the arts and craft section of a store when she thought I was following her.  I think I avoid crafts and doing things in general because of this. Yes, let's go with that.

If you aren't going to make any more babies, then use this digest to get ideas for baby shower gifts! There are even some crafts that do not involve crocheting! (BTW I always have to check the spelling of crocheting because it looks like the word crotch and I get self-conscience.)

If you want to check out this handy dandy e-book, you can download the individual digest for $4.95 or become a monthly Molly Member for only $3.95 a month. 

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer! My kiddos are gone right now and I am soooo enjoying this quiet!!!