Sometimes, when God really pisses me off, I learn he really is giving me a time out. I picture him with a whistle, in a coach's uniform, pulling me from the game. I stomp off the field, while muttering (cursing) and trying to convince him that I am ok and can finish the game on my own. It doesn't matter that I am currently sucking and losing the game while the team goes down with me. Sometimes, it takes a teammate to point out that coach cares about the whole team and not only me.
Before July 9th, 2008
Depression, Anxiety, Loneliness, and Death were knocking at my door. I was a mess. The truth is that I would fantasize about being dead. I had years of fantasizing my own suicide. I was sick of living but too afraid of dying. I was so ill and making horrible choices. The love I had for my family was not enough to get past the evil things in my life. I begged Daniel to find a new wife and mother for our kids because I was terrified that I could not be a good mother. They deserved more and so did my precious kids. I did not want to pass on my sickness to them, I wanted an escape. Lord, I was so sick.
After July 9, 2008
My sins and horrible thoughts cause my daughter to get type 1 diabetes. Oh I was still sick to think that way. Pretty self centered thinking as well, now that I am out of that fog and can see better. So many changes have happened that have been positive. Basically, I got my head out of my ass and it stopped being about me. People won't say it, but depression and anxiety is such a selfish disease. It makes everything about you and what you are feeling or can and can't do. You have to fight it daily, because it will try and kill you.
I have learned so much about being a better wife and a better mother. I still can't keep a home tidy for crap, but we laugh all the time and have way more happiness then sadness.
I learned that I am capable of much more then I ever dreamed possible. I can not only be a mother, but a full time nurse to a hormonal pre-teen. (patting myself on the back.) I can be a wife by supporting my husband and encouraging him when he has crappy days at work. I let him know all the time how much I love him and appreciate him. I've learned to say I am sorry when I know I am in the wrong. I learned to crave peace in my life. I have learned to love my family and not be so uptight about things. I've learned to always make sure my youngest has plenty of hugs because that is what she craves. I've learned that food is super important!! Had we not been struck with a disease in our house, I would still be blase about our food choices. Seeing Ashley's blood sugar improve because of eating good, nutritious foods is so empowering!! Seeing the difference in my mood makes me more pleasant to be around, because I can finally stand to be around myself! Am I totally awesome and perfect? Heck no, I totally appreciate Samuel L Jackson's rendition of "Go the F*ck to Sleep." Thank you, Youtube!
I pulled my kids out of public school, which has been great for our family! I have met lots of new people and I so treasure my friendships now. This disease had left me on my knees and I knew I could not do it on my own. I had to force myself to reach out and ask for help. God was benching my ass so I had to sit next to other people and talk to them. Wow.
I really don't know how to end this blog post but it really doesn't have a proper ending. I'm still on this journey so I will only say: To be Continued...